The Healing Deepens

It's been almost five months since I miscarried Baby Hope on May 19, 2010. Through many helps, I have found much comfort and peace. Yes, two months ago I did choose to return to a low dose of anti-anxiety / anti-depression medication, which has eased those symptoms significantly. Also a blessing, has been revisiting a counsellor that I knew from years ago. Thank-you, R.M., for making time for me once again.

One of the things that has driven me in the past two months has been the preoccupation of my mind to "do" something in this world...something helpful and selfless. As I am not absolutely on my own - I am a wife and mother - it would be selfish to set off in pursuit of my dreams without consulting my family. Perhaps God will make a way for me to have my family AND to pursue dreams of humanitarian ministry around the world.

I feel very strongly that I still want more children...and so does my DH (dear husband). I also find myself fantasizing running off to some poverty-stricken, exotic corner of the globe, meeting new people, speaking a new language, and having a glimpse of the depravity and injustice that exists in the lives of other...and then assisting somehow...at the same time, changing my own ways of selfishness, wastefulness, and consumerism that is an unquestioned way of life in my country. Blessing others, and opening my heart and mind to be blessed by them. If not soon, I hope I am brave enough, and able, to embark on this journey someday.

DH and I have been going ahead with fertility treatments in the past few months, but so far none have been successful. We have discussed whether or not we'll share any pregnancy news early on, like we did with Hope, should it happen again. I believe that we will tell people if and when it happens.

It is a bit discouraging that so many people have said, don't tell in the first three months...in case of miscarriage. I say that's bogus! Actually, having that said to me has translated in my thoughts as equal to saying, "I wish you didn't tell me of your dead baby, Hope. You should have kept it to yourself...it wasn't really a big deal, after all."

Why is it that miscarriage is so disgraceful or taboo? Oh, how many people have told me of their miscarriages after I've shared my story...yet, did not otherwise talk of them. Many friends and acquaintances have told me that sometimes months (or even years) later, they were confronted at unexpected times with the grief and pain of their miscarriages because they did not discuss them or heal from them originally. Many have told me how isolated they felt in their grief, because it is something that nobody talks about...as though it is a shameful event or inconsequential.

If DH and I tell (early) about our next pregnancy, and then sadly experience this again, people around us will (hopefully) be able to show us some compassion and understanding for our deep loss and sadness. If we don't tell, because society would rather not know, and then experience loss...then we are alone to deal with our secret grief. That's not right. I think that society needs to change this view of early pregnancy and miscarriage from something to be hidden...or something trivial, to something life-altering and grievous that needs to be recognized with empathy and a compassionate response.

I sometimes suppose that the only people who might be opposed to this way of thinking would be pro-abortionists...because if we, who desire children, want to be recognized for our loss of this hope and life, then all the aborted babies out there might need to be recognized as human lives lost as well...and that would be detrimental to their cause and case.

Other than my family support, friends, counselling, and medications, I am finding comfort and healing in reading about others who have suffered much and yet later soared to wonderful heights in their lives. I've read about persecuted Christians of old and of recent times, and have read Hellen Keller's story. I next want to read Dietrich Bonhoeffer's story...I know of him, and some of his story, but I haven't read much yet. It is so inspiring to learn of those who have faced incredible challenges in their lives, and yet succeeded...or even better, did the right thing even when their very lives were faced with suffering and a horrible death. I hope that the Lord can make me into such a person some day.