Tuesday, June 15, 2010
My Mom
Today, my mom passed away, at the age of 57. She suffered for many years with Multiple Sclerosis, but now her suffering is over. She is with Jesus.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Taking a Break
Currently, my plan is to take a short break from this blog...and if I do add entries, they may be ambiguous for a little while. It is what it is.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Mildly, Although Not Completely, Off Topic
Spring rains, though dreary at times, have brought out brilliant greens in the landscape near my home. I am so thankful for the life all around me.
Robins picking bugs in the dewy grass each morning. Headlights revealing the glinting eyes of a fox as I pass by after sunset. The silent glide of a hawk over stretches of field, searching for its dinner meal in the late afternoon.
I am in love with all that God created...and today, my heart was deeply grieved at seeing the image of an innocently suffering oil-smeared pelican on the front page of the newspaper. We have been given so much, but look at what we've done to it.
I am so glad that this is not a permanent state of being. Life does not end here, like this. All the world's suffering and destruction - yours, mine, and even creation's - will come to an end. This is my great hope and belief...this is what I look forward to.
Thank-you, Lord, that you have promised that you will make all things new! You say you will fix all wrongs, and make them right. We have been told how this all ends, and it will be very good, indeed.
In light of all these things, I see, know, and believe that my trials and sufferings on this earth are truely temporary. I hope and pray to be able to cling to Jesus through this current sadness, and that I will be able to see things through His eyes, so that I may experience fulness of joy.
Robins picking bugs in the dewy grass each morning. Headlights revealing the glinting eyes of a fox as I pass by after sunset. The silent glide of a hawk over stretches of field, searching for its dinner meal in the late afternoon.
I am in love with all that God created...and today, my heart was deeply grieved at seeing the image of an innocently suffering oil-smeared pelican on the front page of the newspaper. We have been given so much, but look at what we've done to it.
I am so glad that this is not a permanent state of being. Life does not end here, like this. All the world's suffering and destruction - yours, mine, and even creation's - will come to an end. This is my great hope and belief...this is what I look forward to.
18 Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.
19 For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.
20 Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope,
21 the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay.
22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.
23 And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.
Romans 8:18-23
New Living Translation
Thank-you, Lord, that you have promised that you will make all things new! You say you will fix all wrongs, and make them right. We have been told how this all ends, and it will be very good, indeed.
1 I saw a new heaven and a new earth. The first heaven and the first earth had disappeared, and so had the sea.
2 Then I saw New Jerusalem, that holy city, coming down from God in heaven. It was like a bride dressed in her wedding gown and ready to meet her husband.
3 I heard a loud voice shout from the throne:
God's home is now with his people. He will live with them, and they will be his own. Yes, God will make his home among his people.
4 He will wipe all tears from their eyes, and there will be no more death, suffering, crying, or pain. These things of the past are gone forever.
5 Then the one sitting on the throne said:
I am making everything new. Write down what I have said. My words are true and can be trusted.
6 Everything is finished! I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will freely give water from the life-giving fountain to everyone who is thirsty.
7 All who win the victory will be given these blessings. I will be their God, and they will be my people.
Revelation 21:1-7
In light of all these things, I see, know, and believe that my trials and sufferings on this earth are truely temporary. I hope and pray to be able to cling to Jesus through this current sadness, and that I will be able to see things through His eyes, so that I may experience fulness of joy.
7 I will bless the Lord who guides me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I know the Lord is always with me.
I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
Psalm 16:7,8
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Bloodwork and LH Tests Timeline
Below is a basic outline of the medical side of things since our previous conception:
April 6, 2010 - Faintly Positive Home Pregnancy Test (and DH's birthday)
April 7, 2010 - Second Faintly Positive Home Pregnancy Test
April 8, 2010 - Positive Blood Test! Hcg (pregnancy hormone) Level is "104". I am considered "4 weeks" pregnant (gestationally)...that is how the medical community does it...it's dated from the LMP (last menstrual period), NOT from the date of conception.
April 28, 2010 - First ultrasound. Embryo is 6 weeks, 6 days old, but measures at 6 weeks 3 days, presumably from late implantation. Heartbeat was seen and heard at 109 beats per minute.
May 11, 2010 - Two months pregnant.
May 12, 2010 - Second ultrasound. Baby is 8 weeks, 6 days old, but measures 8 weeks, 4 days. Again, late implantation is assumed. Heartbeat was seen and heard at 169 beats per minute.
May 17, 2010 - 10:30 pm bleeding begins without warning. A friend drives me to the hospital. An on-call gynecologist performs an ultrasound. Heartbeat is seen, but not measured. I am sent home and told to be on bedrest for at least one full week. Baby is 9 weeks, 4 days old.
May 18, 2010 - Go into the city for preparatory blood work for Win-Rho needle.
There is a known blood-incompatibility issue, so the Win-Rho prevents complications. Win-Rho is considered a blood product. It prevents my body from creating anti-bodies to the unborn baby's blood-type. If the anti-bodies are made, my body would try to destroy the "foreign" blood proteins, leading to anemia or other complications in the baby, and possibly death. Also, once my blood has the antibodies, they are permanently there, and would put future pregnancies at risk.
There are three pregnancy-related situations that warrent the use of win-rho, for me: Any time there is bleeding in one of my pregnancies; at 20 weeks gestation (even without bleeding); and after giving birth. I believe I was told that Win-Rho must be given within 72 hours of any of these events, in order to be effective.
May 19, 2010 - Go back into the city for the actual Win-Rho needle. It took time to process yesterday's blood test (to see if my body has already made anti-bodies, which would have been a bad thing). Thankfully, my body had not produced the anti-bodies, so the Win-Rho is injected.
The fertility clinic also took time to fit me in for an ultrasound, as I was spotting, but not bleeding as badly as on May 17th.
The ultrasound showed that Baby no longer had a heartbeat. Baby was 9 weeks, 6 days.
I was given three options:
1. Let things happen naturally, on their own. This could potentially take several days...or more. There is a small risk that D&C will eventually be required.
2. Take a medication to "speed things along"...I would then likely miscarry within 3-6 hours of taking it. There is a small risk that D&C will eventually be required.
3. Have a D&C (they dilate the cervix and scrape everything out), this is done under general anesthesia. There is a very small risk that eventually a second D&C would be required.
I chose option #2.
That night, at around 6:30pm, I took the medication, even though I was already beginning to cramp...indicating that my body would possibly have miscarried soon and naturally on it's own.
At around 10:30pm, I miscarried...you can read more about that in an earlier post. I ended up bleeding for about 10 days afterwards...although it was greatly tapered for the last couple.
May 20, 2010 - Buried Baby "Hope".
May 23, 2010 - My 12th wedding anniversary.
May 25, 2010 - Blood test, to check hcg (pregnancy hormone); my hcg level is "199"...although it hadn't been measured recently, prior to this, the level would have been in the thousands about a week earlier.
May 28, 2010 - An ultrasound was performed to see if all the "pregnancy tissues have passed"...basically checking to see if I need a D&C. All was clear and looked "good"...medically speaking.
May 29, 2010 - Bleeding discontinued.
May 30, 2010 - My 37th birthday.
June 1, 2010 - Blood test to check hcg; my hcg level is "17".
A test result of 0-5 is considered "not pregnant".
April 6, 2010 - Faintly Positive Home Pregnancy Test (and DH's birthday)
April 7, 2010 - Second Faintly Positive Home Pregnancy Test
April 8, 2010 - Positive Blood Test! Hcg (pregnancy hormone) Level is "104". I am considered "4 weeks" pregnant (gestationally)...that is how the medical community does it...it's dated from the LMP (last menstrual period), NOT from the date of conception.
April 28, 2010 - First ultrasound. Embryo is 6 weeks, 6 days old, but measures at 6 weeks 3 days, presumably from late implantation. Heartbeat was seen and heard at 109 beats per minute.
May 11, 2010 - Two months pregnant.
May 12, 2010 - Second ultrasound. Baby is 8 weeks, 6 days old, but measures 8 weeks, 4 days. Again, late implantation is assumed. Heartbeat was seen and heard at 169 beats per minute.
May 17, 2010 - 10:30 pm bleeding begins without warning. A friend drives me to the hospital. An on-call gynecologist performs an ultrasound. Heartbeat is seen, but not measured. I am sent home and told to be on bedrest for at least one full week. Baby is 9 weeks, 4 days old.
May 18, 2010 - Go into the city for preparatory blood work for Win-Rho needle.
There is a known blood-incompatibility issue, so the Win-Rho prevents complications. Win-Rho is considered a blood product. It prevents my body from creating anti-bodies to the unborn baby's blood-type. If the anti-bodies are made, my body would try to destroy the "foreign" blood proteins, leading to anemia or other complications in the baby, and possibly death. Also, once my blood has the antibodies, they are permanently there, and would put future pregnancies at risk.
There are three pregnancy-related situations that warrent the use of win-rho, for me: Any time there is bleeding in one of my pregnancies; at 20 weeks gestation (even without bleeding); and after giving birth. I believe I was told that Win-Rho must be given within 72 hours of any of these events, in order to be effective.
May 19, 2010 - Go back into the city for the actual Win-Rho needle. It took time to process yesterday's blood test (to see if my body has already made anti-bodies, which would have been a bad thing). Thankfully, my body had not produced the anti-bodies, so the Win-Rho is injected.
The fertility clinic also took time to fit me in for an ultrasound, as I was spotting, but not bleeding as badly as on May 17th.
The ultrasound showed that Baby no longer had a heartbeat. Baby was 9 weeks, 6 days.
I was given three options:
1. Let things happen naturally, on their own. This could potentially take several days...or more. There is a small risk that D&C will eventually be required.
2. Take a medication to "speed things along"...I would then likely miscarry within 3-6 hours of taking it. There is a small risk that D&C will eventually be required.
3. Have a D&C (they dilate the cervix and scrape everything out), this is done under general anesthesia. There is a very small risk that eventually a second D&C would be required.
I chose option #2.
That night, at around 6:30pm, I took the medication, even though I was already beginning to cramp...indicating that my body would possibly have miscarried soon and naturally on it's own.
At around 10:30pm, I miscarried...you can read more about that in an earlier post. I ended up bleeding for about 10 days afterwards...although it was greatly tapered for the last couple.
May 20, 2010 - Buried Baby "Hope".
May 23, 2010 - My 12th wedding anniversary.
May 25, 2010 - Blood test, to check hcg (pregnancy hormone); my hcg level is "199"...although it hadn't been measured recently, prior to this, the level would have been in the thousands about a week earlier.
May 28, 2010 - An ultrasound was performed to see if all the "pregnancy tissues have passed"...basically checking to see if I need a D&C. All was clear and looked "good"...medically speaking.
May 29, 2010 - Bleeding discontinued.
May 30, 2010 - My 37th birthday.
June 1, 2010 - Blood test to check hcg; my hcg level is "17".
A test result of 0-5 is considered "not pregnant".
On a Scale of 1 to 10
Yesterday was a 3.5.
Okay, I already mentioned the tears at work yesterday. That sad feeling lingered into the evening, right up until I could finally fall asleep.
Last night, I had to be a part of a crew that was working at a large ceremony. Being in a somewhat upset state of mind to begin with was probably not a good thing. Seeing families, happiness, babies, and pregnant women at every turn caused me to wish I could just run away and hide somewhere...but I didn't. I stuck it out.
The worst part was that two people, that know me, and know what I've been going through, and who were sitting on either side of me, started talking across me about some gorgeous newborn that they know. I could have burst into tears right there, or worse, some sort of angry rant. But, I kept it in.
It's not that people can't talk about babies around me...it's just that I was in a bad place to begin with...it was me...not them. I'm not angry with them. I'm upset at where I'm at in this struggle. I'm worried about the future. Will I ever be able to carry a child to term? Will I even be able to get pregnant again?
Let's look at reality...keep perspective. What if I never have another child? Will that be the end of the world? No. Life will go on.
...but I don't like that scenario. I hope that's not what is in store for me.
I'm feeling selfish in writing those things. Do I not serve a God that has my best interests at heart? Is my God not more powerful than any human struggle? Does He not have a good purpose and good plan for me, and my family, that is beyond my comprehension? Are there not so many others going through much worse, and yet have such strength of character.
I'm rather pathetic right now, aren't I?
Oh, person of little faith...that is how I feel right now. Get on with things, Me! Move on from this melancholy obsession. Let what will be, be...and quit whining about it all. Try again, but don't be this "crazy person".
I don't feel wonderful today, but I think I feel a bit better than yesterday.
Okay, I already mentioned the tears at work yesterday. That sad feeling lingered into the evening, right up until I could finally fall asleep.
Last night, I had to be a part of a crew that was working at a large ceremony. Being in a somewhat upset state of mind to begin with was probably not a good thing. Seeing families, happiness, babies, and pregnant women at every turn caused me to wish I could just run away and hide somewhere...but I didn't. I stuck it out.
The worst part was that two people, that know me, and know what I've been going through, and who were sitting on either side of me, started talking across me about some gorgeous newborn that they know. I could have burst into tears right there, or worse, some sort of angry rant. But, I kept it in.
It's not that people can't talk about babies around me...it's just that I was in a bad place to begin with...it was me...not them. I'm not angry with them. I'm upset at where I'm at in this struggle. I'm worried about the future. Will I ever be able to carry a child to term? Will I even be able to get pregnant again?
Let's look at reality...keep perspective. What if I never have another child? Will that be the end of the world? No. Life will go on.
...but I don't like that scenario. I hope that's not what is in store for me.
I'm feeling selfish in writing those things. Do I not serve a God that has my best interests at heart? Is my God not more powerful than any human struggle? Does He not have a good purpose and good plan for me, and my family, that is beyond my comprehension? Are there not so many others going through much worse, and yet have such strength of character.
I'm rather pathetic right now, aren't I?
Oh, person of little faith...that is how I feel right now. Get on with things, Me! Move on from this melancholy obsession. Let what will be, be...and quit whining about it all. Try again, but don't be this "crazy person".
I don't feel wonderful today, but I think I feel a bit better than yesterday.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Looking Ahead
Today has been a bit of a struggle for me. "Out of the blue" I became teary-eyed just before lunch time at my workplace. I haven't cried at all since last weekend otherwise. Perhaps the gloomy, gray day influenced my moods. Perhaps my feeling of exhaustion is a contributing factor. I feel somber. Unfocused. Dazed.
Monday through Thursday went smoothly at work...minus the first two hours there on Monday. I felt some anxiety and nausea due to nerves, but it lessened and then disappeared altogether by lunch time. Otherwise, my week has been relatively unremarkable.
DH and I are also looking to the future, and are trusting that God will give us our dream and desire for more children in the near future...this is our great hope.
An online support-group friend shared this helpful link:
http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/
Monday through Thursday went smoothly at work...minus the first two hours there on Monday. I felt some anxiety and nausea due to nerves, but it lessened and then disappeared altogether by lunch time. Otherwise, my week has been relatively unremarkable.
DH and I are also looking to the future, and are trusting that God will give us our dream and desire for more children in the near future...this is our great hope.
An online support-group friend shared this helpful link:
http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/
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