On a Scale of 1 to 10

Yesterday was a 3.5.

Okay, I already mentioned the tears at work yesterday. That sad feeling lingered into the evening, right up until I could finally fall asleep.

Last night, I had to be a part of a crew that was working at a large ceremony. Being in a somewhat upset state of mind to begin with was probably not a good thing. Seeing families, happiness, babies, and pregnant women at every turn caused me to wish I could just run away and hide somewhere...but I didn't. I stuck it out.

The worst part was that two people, that know me, and know what I've been going through, and who were sitting on either side of me, started talking across me about some gorgeous newborn that they know. I could have burst into tears right there, or worse, some sort of angry rant. But, I kept it in.

It's not that people can't talk about babies around me...it's just that I was in a bad place to begin with...it was me...not them. I'm not angry with them. I'm upset at where I'm at in this struggle. I'm worried about the future. Will I ever be able to carry a child to term? Will I even be able to get pregnant again?

Let's look at reality...keep perspective. What if I never have another child? Will that be the end of the world? No. Life will go on.

...but I don't like that scenario. I hope that's not what is in store for me.

I'm feeling selfish in writing those things. Do I not serve a God that has my best interests at heart? Is my God not more powerful than any human struggle? Does He not have a good purpose and good plan for me, and my family, that is beyond my comprehension? Are there not so many others going through much worse, and yet have such strength of character.

I'm rather pathetic right now, aren't I?

Oh, person of little faith...that is how I feel right now. Get on with things, Me! Move on from this melancholy obsession. Let what will be, be...and quit whining about it all. Try again, but don't be this "crazy person".

I don't feel wonderful today, but I think I feel a bit better than yesterday.