Over and over, I replay moments in this brief pregnancy, remembering the sheer joy I felt when things were going well, reflecting on those things that I know I did right, and wondering about the ways in which I may have failed or been neglectful. Many of these thoughts are futile...I cannot change the past.
Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
Habakkuk 3:17,18
The present is a whole new reality...I'm treading in new territory. So unfamiliar. The joys of the day are overshadowed by the clouds of this new past that has become a part of my life story. My body continues to cramp and bleed. The cramping is quite strong still, but the bleeding seems to be tapering a bit. I'm told that these two symptoms can linger for up to three weeks. I hope it won't be quite that long.
My thoughts are tempted to land on places that I would rather they avoid. I am tempted to think, entertain, and possibly believe several upsetting ideas...ideas that would not glorify Christ, nor allow me to respect myself for them if I were to accept these as true.
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.
John 16:33
Below, are some of the thoughts that have flittered into my consciousness, but that I'm trying desperately not to entertain...I don't want to give them a foothold, allowing them to incapacitate me...chaining me to the pain of this experience:
1. I do not 'deserve' more children.
2. I may not be able to carry another child to term.
3. As an act of self-preservation, I should avoid other people, even those I care about, who are pregnant or who have young children, or large families...because my situation seems so unfair to me, and seeing their blessing feels a bit like a slap in the face.
4. It's my fault this baby died.
5. I'm not good enough.
6. What was I thinking? Having a child at my age...so foolish of me. I should have known better.
7. How long can we afford fertility treatments for...how long until my age demands we stop trying? It's not fair that so many others can just have children whenever they want.
8. It's just not fair.
"When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."
Psalm 94:19
In the midst of past and present dealings, my thoughts are already looking ahead to what the future will have in store. I long to try again soon. I am sincerely hopeful that my DH and I will be able to conceive quickly, and that I will be able to carry a healthy child to term. I will not forget nor replace Hope, but seek God's blessing for a third pregnancy and third child...one I will nurse in my arms. A child to pray for and sing over. A child with a future here with me on earth, for mutual enjoyment and love under the blessing of the Lord's hand and light.
"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.
They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11
My hope and prayer is also that God would use this tragedy so that my DH and I may have more compassion for others, and minister to their hurting hearts with a true understanding and depth of love that we would never otherwise have had.
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:3,4
I pray that I may find complete peace and healing in this sorrowful journey. I hope that I will be able to sincerely share in the joy of others who are blessed with pregnancies and children...and that I will realize that each person walks their own path and has their own struggles and sorrows to deal with...that I will not judge based on assumptions and exteriors. I hope that soon I will have joyful news of my own to share, and that I will feel those first kicks, hear that first cry, smell that sweet breath, and see those first steps with our third child. I seek courage, faith, and hope in the face our next pregnancy attempt.
I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid.
John 14:27
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